Like the Sands Through the Hourglass, So Rots My Panza

Back Like B.O. on an Old T-Shirt

Hello Friends, by the above statement I mean that I'm updating this blog, and that my dedication to updates will not fade, much like the brown funk that lingers beneath the pits of your favorite T. I'm clinging to the fibers, friends. Last we spoke, Nathan James Eddy was coming to visit and me feared me belly would burst fer all the brew we might imbib. Luckily this was not so, as we consumed far more oranges than alcohol. Nathan's arrival was the first of (what has unexpectedly turned out to be) a slew of friends coming to L.A. As with all friends who have "come to see me," coming to see me was not really the reason for the visit, usually it was something else that allowed them the option: spring break, a trip of self-actualization, distancing oneself from an estranged spouse--for Nathan James Eddy it was a Spring Break trip with friends. Regardless I was very very happy that #2 came to see his good ol' college buddies, this being me and Mr. Holzman. We ate delicious Thai food and I re-established my backup plan of pimping Nate's model-worthy ass should the whole writing thing not pan out. Eddy seemed somewhat taken with L.A., but I'm not about to hold my breath on him leaving the NYC dream and coming out west post NU. Aaron and I are trying to convert as many as we can, however I know full well L.A. is not for all. All I'm saying is visit me, give it a chance, and if you move, I'll give you a free hotdog wrapped in bacon.

My Stomach, it Rotteth - Part Deux

The week following Eddy's visit I went to the John Ross/Sarah Peters/Zoe Jarmon/Dan Sinclair/Dan Mahoney 9021...1 pad for a party in celebration of Sinclair selling his pilot (!!!). [Insert appropriate Morrissey song here]. I went with Craigslist friend Steve and got royally drunk. You know you've found a good man when he brings you stiff drinks and fine imported cheese (Zoe buys the good stuff). Unfortunately me for me, this also usually means he's gay. I believe this was the drunkest I had been (and would be) in a LONG time. At one point I had texted Jenna as I lay on my back watching the ceiling spin. I only realized I had done so when she called me the next day to laugh about it, something along the lines of "i b in the house of zoe and i b drunk..." Unfortunately for me, I threw up all the delicious imported cheese on my way out of the party; it splashed the cuff of my new beautiful dark denim jeans, which effectively put me in my place--as did the morning after vomit.

The week after my night as "drunk girl" I got a call from Dr. Lee informing me that my bloodtest was back and that I had high counts of bacteria in my stomach, h.pylori to be precise. H.Pylori was only discovered in 1982 and they don't really know how you get it or how it's transmitted (swell). Dr. Lee also let me know that my "liver didn't look so good" and banned me from alcohol for at least 6 weeks/until my next bloodtest (May 12 - mind you, she said this around March 28). Let it be known young 'uns once you leave the warm uterus of college you are no longer immortal and healthcare ain't free. She put me on horsepill antibiotics: 8 pills a day 2 amoxicillan, 1 pink and black crazy pill, and a stomach acid blocker. 4 in the morning and 4 at night. The medication made me kinda not hungry/nauseous. So let us recap: 8 horsepills/day for 14 days, no coffee, not asprin, no alcohol, no spicy food. Damn! I took these pills for 14 days, then was put back on Prilosec (which I finished yesterday) for another 14 days. Still can't drink or have coffee. Friday is the date of the fated blood test when we'll see whether Eileen can ever drink again.

By the way, how the hell can the livers of Keith Richards, Ernest Hemingway, and Liza Minnelli look fine when mine "doesn't look good"??? How is that fair!? However, I will say that it feels good to know that I am in control of my alcohol consumption and that I can stop drinking if I have to/want to. Can you?

Then again, I have been eating far more oranges as a result of being off the hooch.

Luvers and Friends

After Eddy, my friend from high school, Monica Pieczykolan, (I learned to spell her last name years ago and it fills me with joy whenever I write or pronouce it (patch-chee-colon), came out to L.A. for spring break. She teaches gradeschool in Chicago and she and her other teacher friend had planned a great spring break trip together. They were so cute, all "teachers on vacation" in their rented black Mustang convertible. They ate sushi in Santa Monica and drove to Las Vegas. They booked hotel rooms, but they also joined me for dinner. They loved L.A. and talked about moving (really it was the hotdog that did it). It was so nice to see a high school friend and gossip about who was married/pregnant/rich/crazy.

The west coast love continued with my next guest, Ms. Christine Choi, my co-editor from Helicon. She and her friend Keith made the cross country treck (see picture at Griffith Park). Christine left a whaling museum internship in New Bedford to move to San Francisco for a position as a children's programming coordinator at a museum. She hung out in L.A. with me and Jeff for a week, which was very enjoyable. We ate Thai food, went to Griffith Park, went dancing at an open bar (I didn't cheat, which actually put me in the whole "I really don't need liquor to have fun, wow" mentality), ate oranges and re-lived Jr. High by watching the Cranberries music video collection, the MSCL DVD box set, and the Leonardo DiCaprio/Claire Danes R&J (interestingly enough the Lurman film held up even after the drowning (literally) of my DiCaprio obsession).

The day Christine arrived was the last day of work for Hamm-boner, who was making the opposite move, West-to-East. I got Alex a great parting gift (see photo, note unfortunate placement of Sponge-Bob's nose), but it was a sad day at the office, especially when I learned that my orange county liberal would be replaced by an orange county republican. Perhaps I failed to mention this when last I described my job (as I was so happy to have a job), but the owner of the company is a raging-Reagan-hugging-republican. Given, he doesn't personally interview the hirees, but just feeling that I'm not free to shoot off my big blue mouth as freely as I did in college is frustrating. I also hate that if I am to get along with Alex's republican replacement I have to NEVER hear anything political come out of his mouth. It was bad enough that he casually mentioned that he listened to Rush Limbaugh. It put my republican colleague in his place when my boss moved me out of my small office into Alex's now vacant huge office; the dude had assumed he would get it! It doesn't help that the office manager is so deep in the closet that he's finding Christmas presents (thanks for that one Jenna) and that he's 60+ and has been married for decades. His comb-over only proves that he's in denial about many aspects of his life. This gentleman is always making odd comments to me about politics and/or race, like how "they'll never fire you" (i.e. you're a black woman/affirmative action). He means well (maybe)/he's old and in denial (definitely). Needless to say, the office isn't quite as fun sans The Boner, but I'm hanging in there, we'll see for how long.

However, rich republican owner shares some perks with the employees, hockey tickets in addition to fine arts events (they do exist in Los Angeles). Deirdre Pfieffer and I went to a performance by the L.A. Master Chorale which was so very wonderful. We were in the front row, and the acoustics were perfect; it was like taking a warm bath. It was a minimalist performance with 3 different pieces that were amazing, innovative, and fascinating (I appologize for the bland adjectives, but it was somewhat beyond description. Imagine modern dance--it was modern vocal performance). Deirdre informed me that L.A. has been trying to cultivate the arts downtown and has been pouring money into building concert halls and the like for such purposes. However, it's still really sick/depressing/totally L.A. that the concert hall where the Master Chorale performs is the "Walt Disney Concert Hall" kind of an oxymoron, huh? That's the great thing about hanging out with Deirdre, she always has a wealth of urban planning/city development information on hand. I always feel more socially aware when in her company.

And Now, My Friends, the Coup De Grace

My friend Aaron lives right off Hollywood Blvd. by the Kodak Theater. Driving over to his place a few Fridays ago the traffic was particularly clogged and signs proclaimed that certain roads were closed for an "awards show." When I finally got to Aaron's apartment I asked which Awards Show, pray tell, had made my trip so hellish? Mr. Holzman informed me that it was the Daytime Emmy Awards. Yes, friends, the Emmys for daytime programming such as talk shows, childrens programming and SOAP OPERAS. Aaron and I were supposed to go check out a concert, but when a friend called to say we shouldn't bother to come, I made Aaron accompany me over to the Kodak Theater to see if we could get a glimpse of a Days of Our Lives star. A security guard told us that the Governor's Ball and all afterparties were in the Highlands complex, which is adjacent to the Kodak Theater. For those of you unfamiliar with Highlands, it is the mall to end all malls--Mall of America be damned. This mall is Babylon. This mall is the 8th Wonder of the World. It is the perfect merger of worship and capitalism. See here. With architecture inspired by ancient Egypt, you really only get the full, terrifying view when gazing up at the gigantic stone elephants/pillars. (Although fuck, in perusing their website I just learned that they're putting an H&M in. Fuck. I guess I'm going to be part of the problem). Anyway back to my story, literally. So the guard suggests we come back later in the evening when the stars would be leaving.

Around 11pm Aaron and I strolled over to the Highlands Complex. There were relatively few people around; many people have better things to do than stalk C television stars. People only go ape-shit for the Oscars. Although as I pointed out to Aaron, daytime does include such heavy hitters as Barbara Walters & the trolls from The View, Ellen Degeneres, the Muppets, Alex Trebek, and Oprah. Not that I cared about these people, Oprah, Ellen, and Grover maybe, but I didn't expect to see them. I knew Oprah wasn't there. If Oprah was there, I would have felt it. We're connected like that. The more I thought about it, the Daytime Emmys really were my Oscars. I mean, I love watching the Oscars, it's the Superbowl for actors/directors/writers/aspiring _____. But seriously, I really don't care about celebrity culture. Why should we worship people just beacuse they're on TV? They're just like you and I, except they're rich and famous. This won't be a blog about the Star System, we'll save that for later. While I enjoy reading Defamer, I do so more for the comedy; for me it's the Onion meets Extra. It makes fun of "the stars." I don't take it seriously and I don't read gossip religiously. Had I gone to the Kodak Theater to try and catch a glimpse of a movie star at the Oscars, who really would have made me swoon? J.Lo? Tom Cruise? No. I mean, Prince, but that's about it. (Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of famous people I'd love to meet, writers and musicians, politicians, ugh let's not get into a big celebrity rant. Back to Days). I grew up with Days of Our Lives. My mom watched it when I was little, and I started watching it religiously April 19, 1997 (next year I'm celebrating my 10 year anniversary with Days of Our Lives - there may be cake, I'll let you know), my college roommate and best friend grew up watching Days, my youngest sister and mom still watch days, I have 3 Days of Our Lives books (one of which is a cookbook), and a Days of Our Lives Barbie doll. I grew up with the characters, and they've been present throughout my life. The thought of them exisiting as actors in the real world was fascinating. The thought of seeing "John Black" or "Bo Brady" filled me with a ravenous hunger for more. I HAD TO SEE MY DAYS STARS!

The grand achitecture of Highlands places stores around the exterior (imagine a donut) with a hollow center for seeing/being seen. There are 3 floors. At first Aaron and I hung around at street level by the red carpet. Then, slowly, we discovered that we were free to walk about the mall. On the way upstairs I spotted Patricia Darbo who used to play "Nancy Wesley" on Days. I yelled her name, and she looked up and stopped for me to take a picture. That would be my saving grace--remembering the actors names instead of the character names. I knew at that moment, that I would win mad street cred with all the old ladies for my soap sitings. We selected a spot on the second floor where The ABC afterparty was being held. Our perch allowed us to see soap stars as they left the ABC party or made their way up the stairs to the CBS party on the third floor. Poor loser NBC didn't host no party.

Most of the actors we saw were on ABC or CBS soaps I didn't watch. These networks win all the Emmys. I don't think Days was even nominated this year. Regardless Days is the #1 Soap for women between 18-34. The executive producer is openly pissed about the Emmy shaft.

We waited around, there were a total of 15 of us at most. Mainly frumpy midwest looking people (like me), people with digital cameras (mine was disposable), and people that seemed to have a few bolts loose (like me). It was pretty low key. Interestingly the ace was the first to show, who comes out but "Erica" from All My Children, the Queen of Daytime, Susan Lucci. It was so weird seeing these people in person because they all seemed very thin (the camera does add 10 pounds), fake boobed, overly tan in a crispy-chicken kind of way, with knarled brightly painted toes mashed into expensive shoes. Well, at least this was true for Ms. Lucci, Lisa Rinna (ex-"Billie" on Days, later "Melrose Place" and "Dancing with the Stars"). Harry Hamlin and Lisa look creepily alike (overly tan, crinkly skin, overprocessed hair) for a married couple, although I did looooove Harry in Clash of the Titans (best movie ever!). Lisa didn't want pictures (see picture).

I also saw some actors I recognized from other soaps: the girl that plays "Susan Lucci's lesbian daughter" on All My Children, "Whitney" from Passions who unknowingly had a baby with her half-brother then joined a convent (she didn't look quite as anorexic in person), and the guy that plays the formerly faceless villian "Alistair Crane" on Passions (by formerly faceless I mean that they used to just show him from the neck down, and use a fist squeezed in anger to signify his villainy).

But then, came the Days stars. My heart started pounding and I had tears in my eyes when I saw "Bo Brady." My earliest childhood memories of Days are of Bo Brady. He was walking by with his daughter (?) and I called, "Peter", he turned and I took a picture. It was a powerful moment for me. Really, I surprised myself. I hugged Aaron and thanked him for bringing me to this magical place. After Peter Reckell, Aaron and I pulled up chairs to the retractable black rope that what set up to keep back all 7 "screaming" fans. We just waited around, the crowd dwindled more, and I scanned the passing awards-clad people for Days actors. I saw someone who has escaped my view getting on the escaltor and said to the security guard (who was a nut, but friendly) if that was Farah Fath "Mimi Lockhart" from Days? He yells, "Farah!" across the way, and she turns and says, "yes?" I jump up and ask for a picture as she rides down the escalator. She says "come on!" and I run and hop on the escalator with her and her friend. She tells me I'm pretty and I tell her that that "Shawn Brady" on the show is such a stud, and that I'd pee in my pants if I met him! She finds this hilarious and tells me that he should be leaving the party soon and that I should wait to see him. Her friend takes a picture of us, I thank her and run back up the escalator. I almost run into "Chelsea Benson" and "Max Brady" from Days, and freak out a little and ask them for a picture (apparently they're dating in real life as well as on the show) they pose for me, joke a little, and are very friendly. I sit back down with Aaron and the girl who used to play "Belle Black" on Days (Xenon from the Disney Channel), walks by with her party shoes off, totally wasted with some hunky guy from another soap (no picture). This was awesome, all my soap stars, wasted! By now it's about 1am and I tell Aaron we can't leave until I see Shawn Brady, however, I only have 1 picture left. What do to? I can't waste it. I vow to save it for Shawn, but then who comes towards me but "Lucas Roberts" and does he look good! I get a picture with him and I'm freaking out. (We look blown out in the picture but you get the idea). Aaron and I leave because if I see Jason Cook (Shawn Brady) and can't take a picture, It'll kill me. We leave, with "Lucas Roberts" right behind us on the escalator (how surreal!)

I drove home that night, so very happy, but also a little depressed, which was exactly how I felt after my whole Prince experience in 2004. I felt so grateful that I had had the experience, and at the same, so very scared that I would never have an experience like it again.